sometimes i forget im a real person
my mom’s like why are you awake at 3am and im like why are you so obsessed with me
420 is so close I can almost taste all the bad jokes I’ll have to weed through
WHY DO PEOPLE CALL IT FUCK, MARRY, KILL WHEN THEY COULD CALL IT BED, WED, BEHEAD
Or, as King Henry VIII likes to call it, a productive evening.
tfw you reblog something you didn’t mean to reblog and you stress to delete it before anyone sees it
my best friends name is elsa and today she said “i wish people would stop asking me if i wanna build a fucking snowman”
its the year 2021. you download designer drug for your 3d printer off the bit torrent network. you go to get the drugs out of the printer but instead of drugs it printed a cop. Youre under arrest
My sister was playing some kind of question game on her Kindle two rooms away and I heard her ask herself in frustration: “Who the heck lives on 221B baker street?! This is impossible!” And I am not exaggerating when I say I slammed my hands into my keyboard and:
She proceeded to yell back: “THANK YOU, NERD!”
Lifehack: Accidentally text the wrong person? Immediately put your phone on airplane mode and once it fails to deliver, delete the message.
This can save lives